I think you should let me in...

For most of my pregnancy I've kept things pretty private. In fact, some people even complained that Chris and I were too quiet about it! (mostly work friends and casual friends who found out this last week from our social media sites that we're expecting). But honestly, pregnancy has been difficult for me to process mentally. Emotionally, everything feels different. Physically, everything feels different. and Spiritually, I pray different. I've always been pretty consistent, so all these changes are SUPER weird for me to navigate. And in this completely foreign territory, I'm trying to find my way...

I've found a lot of patience and direction from fellow first time mommies. But I was still having a difficult time opening up to them. I was having a hard enough time trying to understand all these changes let alone trying to communicate them to another person! But something changed around my 9th week of pregnancy, when I finally "let someone in" emotionally and actually...

I was shopping at Babies-R-Us one day, looking for a pregnancy journal when I was hit with a sudden rush of nausea and made my way quickly to the restroom. I began to get sick in the stall (polite way of avoiding the word vomiting) when I hear a tapping on the door to my stall,

"Are you okay in there?"

Who is this? Is this someone I know that noticed me make a run for the restroom?

"Hm, yeah, I'll be okay. Thanks!" I continue to get sick when she taps again,

"I think you should let me in."

Uh what? I tried to clean myself up a bit and opened the stall and this full-term pregnant mommy lets herself in. She hands me paper towels, a water bottle, and some breath mints.

"How far along are you? Doesn't look like your showing yet."

"Oh, I'm about 9 weeks now and still feeling sick all the time. Honestly, I'm exhausted."

I wasn't sure why, but at this admission I felt the tears well up in my eyes. She helps me clean up and then notices the tears in my eyes. She knew. I was completely out of my element being pregnant, and I wasn't just physically exhausted, but exhausted in every sense of the word.

She took a deep breath and gave me a talk that changed the whole world of my pregnancy.

"It sucks, I'm not gonna lie, you probably won't start feeling better for another 3-4 weeks, maybe longer. But you will feel better, I promise, it gets so much better. You'll start showing and feeling little kicks from your baby and those moments make all of these bad ones worth it. It gets better. Then in a few months you'll have your little one in your arms, and all of this is so worth it. And in these moments when you think that maybe it's not worth it, remember that not all women get to experience this, and would give anything to be right here where you are now."

The tears are now rolling down my face as she continues.

"This is the best thing in the world."

I cried. I finally allowed myself to let it all go. The feelings of the unknown that has me feeling like a prisoner: the fear that I might somehow inadvertently hurt the baby that's growing inside me, the physical symptoms that seem to never let up or allow me to rest, the insecurity that maybe this happened too fast and we're not ready, the uncertainty of whether or not I'll be a good mother.

I only learned her first name, Jennifer, and by now she has had her baby and living the dream we all can't wait for. Since then I completely stopped complaining about my pregnancy symptoms and remembering in the tough moments that I am so lucky to be experiencing this miracle.